Reactions to Conflict

Reactions to Conflict

Conflict is an inevitable and necessary part of having relationships with other people. Avoiding conflict only creates more relational problems down the road. So how do we navigate conflict in a way that allows our relationships to feel even stronger after the hard conversations are had? According to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, there are 3 ways that people react to conflict arising in a relationship: Turning Away, Turning Against and Turning Towards. Let’s take a look at each of these reactions to see what they can teach us about navigating conflict in our most important relationships.

Turning Away

A Turning Away response is any response that reacts to our partner with emotional withdrawal. This can look like stonewalling, giving the “cold shoulder” or being preoccupied and distracted when your partner is trying to communicate with you. This isn’t always a conscious or ill-intended choice. Maybe one partner becomes overwhelmed by the others’ emotion or energy and feels an instinct to retreat to protect themself from overstimulation. However, the reaction of turning away never leads to growth and more connection. Usually the result is either a mutual emotional withdrawal from the other partner or an escalation from the other partner in an effort to “get through” to the partner who has turned away. Either way nothing is being solved by this reaction and over time consistently turning away sends the message to your partner that you won’t be there for them when they reach out to you.

Turning Against

A Turning Against response is fueled by defensiveness. It happens when one partner perceives a request or a complaint by their partner as an attack. The response is to return fire as soon as possible to convince the partner to back down. Turning Against can look like responding with criticism, contempt, or condescension when a partner is asked to take out the trash or asked whether they ordered more diapers, etc. This response is detrimental to a healthy, strong relationship often leading to escalation of conflict and resentment. Animosity in relationships wounds quickly and heals slowly.

Turning Towards

There can be a tendency to be less intentional about carving out time for dates after being in a long-term relationship. While you may not notice it, it’s probably contributing to feeling a lack of passion in your relationship. Try maintaining a regular implementation of dates in your schedule, on a weekly basis, bi-weekly, or even monthly - something that shows your partner, “this is our time with no other distractions”. Give yourself and your partner dates to look forward to, something that excites you. Try new restaurants together, experience new activities, do fun things together that aren’t just sitting at home. Put in effort. Regular dates are a great way of showing your partner that even if you’ve been together for a long time, you still want them just as badly as you did when you first started dating. 

Let’s look at an example:

Your partner brings up a complaint from the previous week. Let’s say they aren’t happy with how untidy the bedroom has gotten over the week with clothes left on the floor, too much clutter on the bedside tables, etc. How would each of these reactions look:

Turning Away: “It’s not that messy. We’ve both just been busy this week. We can straighten it up this weekend.”

Turning Against: “There is just no winning with you! It’s not like I don’t have enough on my plate with work and the kids. You need to loosen up.”

Turning Towards: “Yeah you’re right. It is messier than usual this week. I’ve had a lot on my plate this week, but I definitely left some clothes on the floor when I changed the other day, so I’m sorry about that. I know messiness makes you feel stressed. Maybe we can look at some organizers together for the end tables so it’s easier to keep everything neat.”

As you read those examples, what stands out to you? The invalidation, the passivity and the avoidance of responsibility in the Turning Away response? The aggression, blame and defining the partners needs as a personality flaw in the Turning Against response? Finally, the ownership of responsibility, validation of the partner’s experience and empathy of how messiness makes them feel in the Turning Towards response?

As you become more familiar with these responses, you’ll start to notice them more and more in yourself and your partner, which is a great thing. You won’t just notice them in conflicts but in any bid your partner makes for connection or attention. It will allow you to move from unconscious reactivity to mindful, attuned communication. Expecting yourself to always have a perfectly attuned Turning Towards response isn’t realistic for anyone, but successful, happy couples use the Turning Towards response the vast majority of the time. Crucially, they also learn how to repair when they get it wrong. This allows couples to navigate the unresolvable sources of conflict in long-term relationships in a way that increases connection and intimacy, and builds trust.

Conflict is inherent in any human relationship. People are different and that means we need to communicate…a lot. Keeping these three reactions to conflict in mind as you move through your day to day life will change how you look at your relationship and, hopefully, help you recognize the opportunity for growth and intimacy that can be found in your disagreements.

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