3 Relationship Hints For Men From A NYC Couples Therapist
Relationships are a two-way street. One in which both partners need to be all-in on continually investing in the relationship in order to have the kind of bond that lasts. In this post, I’m going to focus in particular on how men show up in relationships. There are 3 relational skills that have a huge impact on the success of a relationship. This is true in any relationship, but for this post, I’m going to be focusing on the men because research shows that, frankly, they need to hear this the most. Here they are…
Accepting Influence
Men, repeat after me: ‘That’s a great point. I never thought of it that way.” Chances are you’ve chosen a partner who has the kind of smarts, unique perspective or lived experience that can teach you something. Unless you’re the only lucky human who has everything figured out there is no downside to taking your partner’s perspective seriously as an opportunity to learn and grow. Relationship researcher John Gottman calls this skill “Accepting Influence”. Men generally rate lower than women on this skill and it has disastrous effects on a romantic partnership or really any relationship. When a partner never allows themselves to be persuaded or influenced in any way, their partners tend to feel ignored and like their thoughts and perspectives are not valued.
The resistance to accepting someone else’s input can be traced back to several factors. There are certain social narratives about masculinity that prize being an “independent thinker” and being the decisive leader in any situation. Openness to other perspectives can be framed as weakness or vulnerability in a way that feels unsafe. Perhaps it’s an issue of low self-esteem that leads some men to hold firmly to a belief that they have all the answers. What would it say about them if they needed help or advice? Whatever the reason is, it’s important to recognize if this is an area you struggle with. That way you can take steps to practice a more collaborative approach to decision-making or problem-solving. You also may find it feels pretty great to stop putting all the pressure on yourself and to treat life on Earth as the team sport that it is.
Emotional Intelligence
Being an emotionally intelligent partner makes everything in relationships easier, including accepting influence. Emotionally intelligent partners know that emotions offer valuable information about ourselves, our partners, and our relationships. Men are often socialized to value IQ over EQ during their development. But EQ is the key to developing resilient relationships that can survive life’s ups and downs. Emotionally intelligent men are attentive to their partner’s emotional life because they know emotions that are dismissed do not resolve themselves and disappear. Ignoring or minimizing the importance of the emotions at play in your relationship is a recipe for creating disconnection in your relationship and eroding trust. Taking on difficult conversations and processing emotions as they arise goes a long way to preventing resentment and bigger conflicts down the road.
Challenging yourself to be a more active listener, to offer more empathetic attention, and to tune into your own emotional life so you can articulate it to your partner are all skills that can be learned through practice. Seeking out a supportive therapist for men can also be a way to accelerate your EQ growth. The benefits go beyond your romantic partnerships as well to your friendships, family relationships, and even your career.
Talk About Everything
If you read any blog about relationships there will be a section about communication and there is a reason for that. It’s crucially important. Being able to communicate your feelings, needs, desires, and boundaries are all required skills to sustain a truly satisfying relationship that continues to grow with time. Increasing your self-awareness is a crucial ingredient to the communication process. That is because if you are not aware of your feelings, needs, desires, and boundaries you can’t articulate them to your partner. Taking time to self-reflect on these elements or talking them through with a couples and male therapist is a great way to deepen your understanding of your patterns and processes to make you a better communicator.
In relationships talking is important. Talk about your hopes for the future. Talk about your philosophy behind money. Discuss your fears about money. Talk about the moments in your lives that you feel have shaped you the most. Talk about how you’re feeling about your work or your parenting at your current stage of life. This is the key to emotional intimacy and deep friendship in romantic relationships.
Yes Even Talk About Gender Roles
Since we are talking about gender-specific tips in this post, an important topic to talk about is gender roles in your relationship. Do you and your partner have deeply held beliefs or values about what men should do or not do in relationships? Research has shown that these discussions don’t necessarily have set rules that create a happy relationship. But the most important thing is that the partners both agree with the roles they are taking on. You may believe in getting rid of gender roles altogether in your relationship. That’s great too. What’s important is that both partners feel good about what they’re contributing to the relationship.
Relationships are complex and take a good amount of work. However, with the right skill set, you can build the relationship you want. Whatever that may look like The skills of accepting influence, emotional intelligence, and open communication are particularly helpful for men who may have developed habits of keeping their emotional life to themselves and resist asking for support. Challenging ourselves with new ways of showing up in our relationships can be vulnerable and uncomfortable but my experience witnessing men in couples therapy lean into this work is that the rewards are worth it.
Improve Your Mental Health & Relationship with Therapy for Men in NYC
I hope this post helps illuminate how important relationship skills are for men and encourages you to take steps to strengthen your connections. Building a fulfilling relationship is a continuous journey of learning and growth. If you're ready to take the next step in enhancing your relationship skills and improving your mental health consider therapy tailored to men. At ATD Therapy in New York, we specialize in helping men develop stronger relational skills. Follow these steps to get started:
Get in contact with us for a consultation
Schedule your first session with our male therapist
Start your journey towards building more fulfilling and resilient relationships
Other Therapy Services Our Therapists Offer In NYC
At our therapy practice located in New York, our compassionate therapists provide an array of services to cater to diverse needs. In addition to helping with therapy for men, our counseling offerings include couples counseling, counseling for relationships and dating, support for postpartum depression, anxiety management, depression counseling, assistance with life transitions, and enhancing self-esteem.
